Chap 2: cold fire

Daughters of the Teardrop Sea

Chapter Two: cold fire

"God spoke to me.", he said matter of factly. "He spoke to me in His own voice."

There was no sound as the psychiatrist and her patient looked into each other's faces. "He has a beautiful voice.", James said.

"What did God's voice say to you, James?" Laura asked.

"The voice of God is not loud.", James said. "It is not soft either. It is the very movement of everything that moves, and the breathing of everything that breathes, and the thoughts of everything that thinks. The voice of God is so subtle that most cannot hear it, and those who listen and think they hear it mostly do not understand what it means. At the same time the voice of God is so bold that we all obey it all of the time without ever knowing that we are obeying it. And our obedience is the very music of God's voice."

"What did God's voice say to you today?", Laura asked.

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "God speaks to me every moment of every day.", he said. "But today was special. Today he announced that something special would occur. We are approaching a dangerous crossroads in the path of our evolution. We can either annihilate ourselves, for we certainly have that power, or we can create a new Eden, for God has given us that power too. It is up to us, now, to decide whether we will bring our children into a paradise or a hell on earth."

"But why is today so special?", Laura asked again.

"When I woke up this morning my spirit was buzzing and alive. I felt full of energy and understanding and good will toward the world. I heard a noise at the window and I looked up to see a tiny sparrow, perched upon the windowpane, tapping at the glass. My soul was calmed because I knew that the finger of God was tapping at my window. I knew that it would be a special day for me. My father and mother were out shopping. I put on a record, Bob Dylan's 'Slow Train Comin' and the words were just for me. They told me that I had a special role to play in the battle against evil, because just at a certain line..when Dylan sings 'you can call me Zimmy'...a green and yellow leaf fell off of our Azalea plant. I was moved, humbled, because that's his Jewish name and a great swell of emotion rose up in my chest. This was God's way of telling me that I was a chosen one; that I could serve him. I listened to the whole album and every word, every syllable, had meaning for me. Then I turned on the T.V. There was a fire downtown, the newsman said, and that was a sign for me to go out and do God's work before it was too late.

"Just as I left the house a red fire truck drove right past our door. There was no siren, just a red fire truck with the firemen all around it holding on. I waved at them, and they waved back at me. That was a good sign, a very good sign. It meant that it was safe for me to do God's will. I would be protected.

"The trees on my street were green and the sky was a deep blue with hazy white clouds running through it. I saw a massage in the clouds. I saw an infant in them. I saw the infant swallowed up by a great whale in a great sea, and then I saw the waves part and a beautiful angel appear from its waves. I sat down on the green grass of a neighbour's front lawn and I wept, for I knew that I was a witness to God's plan and a supplicant to His mercy.

"When I had stopped weeping I felt cleansed and pure. I followed God's plan. He led me by colour. Green for purity and innocence. Red for pain and promise. Red for the fire truck, heading south. I followed the red. Red cars, red buildings, red clothes and red lights. They led me downtown, to the red-light district where the hookers hang out. I saw them on the street, selling their pussies like dog food. I saw the men, stalking like degraded animals what God teaches us is sacred and pure. I realized the plight of Moses, faced at Sinai with the degeneracy of his tribe, fearing God's wrath and feeling for the needs of his people.

"There was a young girl, younger than me I think, sitting on the curb at the corner. She was small and plump like a chicken. She was wearing bright pink shorts so tight that you could see every line of her body, and black fish net stockings. She wore a pink halter top that barely covered her fat breasts. She was also wearing a red bracelet made out of huge plastic beads. I went over to talk to her.

"I stood beside her and I said 'Hi.' She looked up at me and smiled. She said, 'Hi.'. She had a beautiful smile. I said, 'What do you think that God expects of you?' She laughed. She said, 'I expect that God expects that I play fair. For thirty dollars I'll give you a hand job in the park so good you'll scream. For fifty dollars I'll take you into the alley and suck your cock til you can't take it any more. And for seventy five dollars you can screw me in my room for an hour and if its not a bloody religious experience you can do it for fifteen minutes more for free til you really see God. That's fair. I don't lie. I'll give you a good time, honey; I know every trick in the book. If you just want to convert me that's fine. I sing "God See's the Little Sparrow Fall" in a see through crotchless nighty for only fifty bucks. But for fifty bucks, honey, I can give you a really excellent time, so why don't you just step back here into my office and go convert someone else for free?'

"I looked into her face and I could see the sureness and the strength. But I could also see her bluff, and behind those pale blue eyes and black mascara I could see pain and fear as well. I said to her...'If I give you ten dollars, will you just walk with me down by the river for five minutes? I have something I want to show you.' She hesitated looked up and down the street and said, 'If you make it twenty up front, cowboy, I'll hold your hand. But only for five minutes.' I gave her fifteen and we walked down to the river together. But we didn't touch.

"As we were walking I told her what was happening, that judgement was about to fall and that it was important to know what side you were on. She laughed and smiled and didn't buy a single word. Then we came to the park around the river. She said that was as far as she could go, but that if I could come up with another twenty dollars we could do some business. I told her that I only did God's business and she said that's all she ever did too. I told her that she had God's light in her eye but that the devil was right behind trying to smother it in a bushel basket. She said that was just about the way she felt about it too.

And I pointed to a seagull floating through the sky and I said 'Do you suppose that she is troubled by Satan?' and the girl said no. I said, ' God has made you what you are and He tests you at every turn. Turn to Him before you fall from his grace. The girl said 'sure.' and began to leave. I grabbed her arm. I asked her where she got the red beads. She said her lover gave them to her. I told her they were very nice and that the colour suited her. She said thanks and left.

"I was alone by the river. The birds were all around. God had led me to that girl to show me that there is hope, that corruption is real but that it has to battle the human soul. We have a very grave and hard battle ahead of us, but in the end we will win the war. I knew this now, to the very marrow of my bones. I knew it.

"And then I left the river, and I saw in the distance a beautiful tree. It was in flames, but the fire did not consume. I ran to it, lept up into it, kissed the bark and limb of it. And I took off all my clothes to be cleansed and purified in the fire. And a crowd gathered, and I pissed on them and they parted like the Red Sea. And the red fire truck came, and I was protected, and I was brought here to you, wrapped in a sheet, and you carry a baby in your belly. I have been given great hope. You are yet another sign to me of redemption."

James stopped. He closed his eyes. His lips parted and trembled a little. Laura looked at his face in repose. It didn't look holy or serene. It looked deep and troubled.

"The fire in the tree, James...the fire that burns but does not consume. Does it still burn for you in that tree, or is it there as a beacon for others as well?"

"No.", James said. "The fire isn't there any more. I swallowed the fire; I have it here with me. In my heart."

Laura thought for a moment. Then she said, "That was a clever thing to do. Does it burn?"

"No.", James said, and he opened his eyes to gaze at Laura. "It doesn't burn. Its a cold fire, and it freezes."

"Oh.", said Laura. "You have a cold fire in your heart and it freezes?"

James drew the sheet more tightly around his chest. "Yes.", he said. "I have a cold fire in my heart and it freezes." And he began to weep.